The term 'musician' is relative...

So, I decided to record a cover of this Tegan and Sara song (Call It Off) that I like... When the idea came into my head, I figured it wouldn't take me very long to accomplish this task. I was very wrong. After about 4 hours of playing around on Audacity, this is my shitty song.

Had I known I was going to make such a tremendous project out of this, I would have made the raw recording better... recorded vox and guitar separate... perhaps not fucked up on a few chords... and kept a steady tempo throughout the song but hey, this is my first foray into the actual recording spectrum of music... So far, my only real musical involvement has been sleeping with musicians (I'm a sucker for any guy on stage holding an instrument), so this is something new for me... and slightly more respectable.

Too bad girls with guitars don't get half as much action as their male counterparts... Grrr.

Enjoy... Let me know how much I suck. :-)

Cake.

After a week of gustatory asceticism, I managed to squeeze into my Britney Spears stripper costume for a Halloween party on Friday. I could not have anticipated greater success! Although I looked more like Britney post-pregnancy-in-need-of-a trainer, that still isn't all that bad. People were able to recognize that I WAS Britney (and not simply a girl dressed as a stripper), referred to me AS Britney, and requested to take pictures with me... because of my new-found celebrity status. It was a nice rush... false and fleeting idolatry though it was, still exciting!

This was possibly the first tension-free weekend I've had in a very long time... and I must say, I enjoyed it thoroughly. Drama seems to be dissipating in my life, probably because I'm really doing my best to just avoid it at this point. The less complicated things are, the better. I also noticed that I've stopped caring about minor things so much. I still get annoyed by stupidity, ignorance, and inconsideration, but I think perpetual cynicism and faith in human failure has begun to pay off. The less you expect from people, the more you are surprised when someone does something nice/sweet/fun/etc. for you. I'd rather be surprised by a kind gesture, even if it technically should be second nature, than depressed/saddened by it's absence if not made.

I'm really beginning to let go of so much anger that was previously weighing me down. It's quite a liberating feeling... Apathy... when you know that someone could cease to exist and it wouldn't bother you in the least, nor would it bother you if he/she were to win the lottery tomorrow... it simply doesn't affect you in any sense of how you live your life or how you feel about yourself. I'm starting to appreciate middle ground... Perhaps, I shall always be a fence-sitter... After all, when presented with either extreme of caring too much about something one way or another, it seems that a seat atop a fencepost might be the most comfortable location available.

I'm going to do the unthinkable... I'm going to attempt to resolve my hatred with all the people in this world I despise... It's not that long a list... 4 people at most, but really, for me, this is a HUGE step. And how do I plan to eradicate this hatred from my life??? With... *drum roll*... APATHY! I simply don't care to care.

I'm going to be selfish for a while... Take care of myself and look out for Number 1. I think by doing this, I'll actually make things a lot easier for the other people in my life as well.

Overall, good things to report. I'm happy being in limbo. I'm involved with a guy, but we're not dating... and certainly not committed monogamously to each other, but hell, fuck labels. I'm doing well with work, even though it isn't my ideal job, it more than pays the bills and isn't too much of a strain. Halloween is coming up and the Fall has just been lovely for my first October spent in Jersey in over four years. I'm happy. I'm physically fitter than I was before, my sex life has vastly improved, and my self-esteem is getting to be top form again. I'm writing, playing guitar, singing, drawing... being creative again. Life is good right now... Nothing incredibly important is going on... I'm just enjoying the time I get to spend with myself. It's a great feeling after so long having been afraid to be alone with myself to realize that I do enjoy my own company.

I'll close with these words, because I feel them poignant to me at this juncture in time.
"Hold on to the ones you know will love you.
Hide out from the ones you know will love you too."
- Tegan and Sara
*Shameless Plug*
Check out their new album, The Con in stores now.
I've been listening to it incessantly for a week... it's AMAZING!



Cheers!

Where does the good go?

This might not be the most opportune time to write an entry, as each word I type, I painstakingly labor over to get the spelling correct... A few too many martinis to have comfortably passed a breathalizer tonight... BUT I'm home, safe and sound with my two dogs juxtaposed at either side of my legs. This will probably be one of my less eloquent reads, so take this for what it's worth.

It's hard to figure out the proper wording to really characterize my current state of mind. A 'depression exacerbated by alcohol' might be what friends would say to me, and I would have to agree... grudgingly of course, but come on... It's almost 3AM and I'm writing in a blog... yeah... 'depression exacerbated by alcohol' it is!

I was talking to a friend tonight about life situations... primarily dealing with my own and others in their early 20s. The term 'treading water' was what I used to explain how I feel about where I am right now. I'm constantly trying to improve upon myself... which isn't ALL that hard considering there is MUCH to be changed... but 'treading water'... that's what I've been doing for a while now. Trying to keep my head above the waves before choking and drowning. I don't mind the rat-race... Making a living doing a job that I don't necessarily love, but paying bills, managing finances... avoiding parental condemnation... becoming an adult, or whatever you'd like to call it... That I don't mind. I have that in order... Just like getting good grades or being too verbose to compose anything short of a run-on sentence, that stuff comes second nature to me.

Here's where I'm floundering... My personal life... friendships... relationships... Something is off-kilter in this department. There's pretty much two people right now in my life that are absolutely confounding to me. (*OH FUCK... SHE'S GETTING PERSONAL... TAKE NOTES IF YOU WANT AMMUNITION TO USE AGAINST HER IN THE FUTURE!*) One, I fucked over. The other, fucked me over. Karma? Maybe... I'm siding more with a 'cruel cruel world' slant on things, but that's probably because I'm in a shitty mood. Don't get me wrong... I do have some great friends that I absolutely adore. But there are two thorns in my side right now that I would love nothing more than to extricate and heal as soon as possible.

OKAY... Number one.... Number one is probably going to read this entry at some point.... and probably mock me later on... (If I were him/her, I'd do the same, so I can't apply fault.) Number one... Number one I fucked over royally... I was cruel, uncaring, and inconsiderate in a situation that became very personal to the both of us. Lots of mindfucking, lies, trickery... all sorts of deception had gone on in that circumstance... On my end primarily. I feel bad about all of it... I truly regret being an asshole to this person. What kills me most about this problem is that I used to have a relatively decent friendship with this person before I fucked it up by being a jackass. Part of me really misses that... the other part just wishes the passive aggresivity would stop. Either way... I just want the past to stay dead and buried and for both of us to just pick up and if not like each other, then just acknowledge the elephant in the room when we're together and perhaps make light of it... I'm always up for levity. I'm not sure what else I can do to atone for my sins with this person... I've toned my act down CONSIDERABLY since the summer... even though I'm a bit tipsy now, I'm no way NEAR the belligerent mess I was a few months ago... And I'm not a vindictive bitch anymore either. I just want things to be copacetic... I'm too old for drama... and I've got more important shit to deal with now anyway, so if this ONE part of my life (which is intrinsically tied to my group involvement) was resolved, I think life could be much sunnier for us both... That's my hope... I'm too tired to keep caring and too lazy to find new friends, so either we keep up the same old song and dance, or perhaps move on and both grow from the experience... A girl can dream, I suppose.

AND NOW, Number Two. Number Two is the where karma beat the shit out of me for the stunts I pulled with Number One. Number Two did all the shit I did to Number One, but unlike me, Number Two is much less vocal about what he/she is feeling/intending to do. Number Two is the one that really pisses me off. I'm not exactly sure where I went wrong with Number Two (and I'm sure writing a public blog entry isn't going to at all ameliorate our differences), but I've gotta know... What the fuck happened??? I sincerely cared about this person and bent over backwards to show him/her exactly what I felt. BUT, I was told that one small facet of my personality was enough to put doubt in this person's mind about the strength of my character, and therefore, was unworthy of any further attention/time. Yet, we remained chatty, on some occasions more than others, but I get the distinct feeling that any time I emote with this person, I'm simply a bother. It's like he/she cannot at all understand where I'm coming from or why I even bother to feel the way I do. Perhaps I care too much... This is why I get hurt by friends so easily... If that's the case... cool. Just tell me I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. BUT, being ambivalent and tight-lipped to the point of rudeness??? That's what drives me nuts and makes me more of an annoyance than anything else. Communication is what makes the world go round... If he/she can't talk to me (or anyone else about personal things), then that problem isn't just going to disappear... It isn't something exclusive to just our friendship... It'll be a problem later on and ultimately stymie any chance he/she has at happiness with other people.
Some people don't put much weight on emotions... But they do it for a reason. Is it easier to be predominantly even-tempered and apathetic? Yeah, sure... But you're missing out on so much that life has to offer. Conflict and resolution make life interesting and worthwhile. Without them, what's the fucking point of getting up in the morning? I've had the conflict part with Number Two... I'm looking for the resolution... which I'd like to be amicable and on both of our terms, instead of unilaterally decided (not by me) like it has been thus far... That's my hope for Number Two.

And now I've run out of steam. It's really fucking late, I'm losing my buzz... AND I've gotta go to Church in the morning... Not because I'm religious, but because I enjoy the ritualistic nature of it and the brief moments of serenity I find amidst the parishioners during mass that allow me to further self-contemplation and realize how much I direly need to address in my life if I ever want to truly become the person I aspire to be.... AND I'M RAMBLING! If anyone can make a 30+ word sentence, it's me! Brevity, (most unfortunately) hasn't ever really been my thing. So... Take it easy out there and learn from my impulsivity... Don't write a blog after a shitty night, chased with some vodka.

Cheers.

Letting Off the Happiness...

If ever I were indicted for the crimes of my past, the first among the list of offenses would be arson. I was a bridge-burner extraordinaire! To me, nothing was more stunningly provocative and adrenaline injecting than a well executed conflagration. It didn't take much for me to light a fuse that would lead to the offending party's ruination. Merely cross me in any manner unacceptable to my standards and BOOM... game over. I'd launch a DEFCON 1 verbal assault on whoever ignited my fury, leaving him/her irrevocably maimed. Hell, when it comes to linguistics... especially in the realm of expletives, I can throw down with the most acrimonious of 'em.


I've always been defensive. I'm perpetually leery of being seen as a doormat, so the walls that protect my ego are reinforced with impenetrable steel. If I sound like a hardass, it's because I am.

I still adhere to the belief that the only person you can trust in this world is yourself. However, after watching many former friendships torn asunder by my furious blaze, some for the better... others not, I've realized that I should exercise a bit more levelheaded discretion before firing off a catastrophic round of lingual bullets.

In some cases, I've been hasty with those I've invited into the ring for a bout, but with others, it was necessary. The people who shouldn't be in my life are no longer there... Yet, instead of applying jurisprudence to each offender's case, I lumped all errors made against me and their respective perpetrators into one category of egregious transgressors. With age comes wisdom. At this point in my life, where I'm more introspective and dare I say 'mature', I've thought that this tactic isn't the most sagacious technique.

I still take umbrage to those who vex me, but for the purposes of pragmatism, I'm making a concerted effort to remain more staid in my response. The main reason for this change is that I've realized that anger was governing too much of how I've lived my life. Always seeking vindication is VERY time consuming and unproductive, mostly because it's rarely ever attained.

There are four people on my shitlist...two of which are immovable in their positions. The other two, however, I'm willing to let things go just for the sake of lessening the amount of drama and chaos in my life. The less headaches I suffer because of needless consternation, the longer I'll live.

So this is the new me. Mellow? In due time. We'll see how well my walk follows my talk.

Cheers.

Give Me Envy. Give Me Malice. Baby, Give Me a Break.

In light of events that transpired over the past weekend, I think that I can safely attest to the old adage, 'Familiarity breeds contempt.' No matter how cohesive a group may seem, if you spend enough time together, especially under less than ideal circumstances, gale-force winds will start to blow and you'll be in the middle of a hurricane shitstorm before you even know what's happened.



What I've come to realize is that drama is simply tedious and unnecessary. I used to feed off of it and instigate arguments, sheerly out of a desire to make something 'interesting' occur, but I suppose 'old' age has tempered this naive and immature folly. The less drama there is in my life, the better. Now, if I could just find a significant other who isn't more estrogenic than I am, all would be right in my world.

As for drinking, my desire to get 'shit-helmeted' (a creation of my dear friend, Manny) has also dissipated with each additional calendar page I've gotten to flip this past year. Drinking's lost most of it's appeal for 2 reasons: 1.) I'm not going to find the love of my life sitting on a bar stool in New Brunswick and 2.) I'm tired of being told what I did instead of remembering first hand the previous evening.

So, call me old/lame/boring... whatever. I just wanna sit home on a Friday night with a special someone, watch scary movies, cuddle, and fall asleep in each other's arms.

... Wow, my world perspective has gone through a pretty radical journey over the past few months.

Any other early 20-somethings feeling tired of the party scene too? Maybe I've just lost my marbles... Oh well.

Cheers.

Cogito Ergo Sum

Most people are familiar with the psychological experiments that have placed mentally sound adults in clinical settings for a prolonged length of time, leaving the participant to filter in with the rest of the clinical population, only to produce in the subject what has come to be known as 'institutional insanity'. To surmise the findings of these studies,if you take a sane person, place him/her in an environment with mentally unstable cohabitants, treat the 'normal' adult as though he/she was no different than the clinical population, then he/she will later produce behavior that would be characterized as insane. Watch One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest if you'd prefer a visual depiction rather than a scholarly journal article. It's debatable if RP McMurphy was truly mentally fit before entering into what was then called an 'asylum', but what would now be euphemistically labeled a 'mental health rehabilitation center', but regardless, when you placed his behavior under a microscope, he too fit the bill of a 'lunatic' just as the other men on his ward did. With all of our idiosyncrasies, couldn't each of us, for some reason or another, be diagnosed with one or more disorders from the DSM-IV? The answer is 'yes'.


I have my gripes with the psychological field. More so because there exists a schism between researchers and clinical practitioners that goes unnoticed by the population at large. In my own opinion, I feel that there is much less bullshit to trudge through for the researcher, whereas clinicians practice theories (in most cases) that have yet to be determined as effective more than chance results alone would predict. I, for one, feel that society is becoming too dependent on medication, and physician evaluation to function in everyday life. I'm not pulling a 'Tom Cruise -jumping-on-couches-and condemning Brooke Shields' moment. In cases where there is severe trauma or chemical imbalance, I believe that it is more than appropriate to seek professional help. My major issue is that people who could function on their own, but need reassurance from a counselor/psychologist/whatever other name a 2 year degree can post on your wall, use the mental health profession as a crutch.

Everyone has problems. No matter how perfect your life may seem, there's always something that causes consternation at some point in time that makes you remove your rose-colored glasses, rub your forehead, and say "Shit!". A person's behavior when this happens says a lot about their character. Do you choose to drink your problems away? Do you stop eating? Do you overeat? Do you call your best friend for a good chat? Or do you hop on the telephone with your general physician to get a referral to the nearest and most ready-to-prescribe mental health clinician available?

People cope differently. That's part of what makes humans unique... to the extent that we can even say that we truly differ that greatly from one another. For an example, here's how I cope:
Something shitty happens to me that I find irksome/depressing/infuriating. I come home from work, call my best friend, bitch for a few hours, end up laughing about how ridiculously absurd life is, and then depending on the severity of the issue, close the night with a few beers or watch a few episodes of Arrested Development to take my mind off of things. I'd venture a guess that lots of people cope in a similar way. However, when your knee-jerk reaction is to immediately think "No one could ever feel as awful as I do. This is the worst agony ever experienced by a human being. I need some Valium/lithium/Prozac/ambien/xanax/anything with a chemical name that is too long to pronounce correctly." Then... perhaps you have a problem that cannot be mitigated by drug use.


I'm incredibly sympathetic to those that need medication to alter their internal chemical state to achieve homeostasis and a better quality of life. However, if you use a medicine-cabinet cocktail to elevate your mood when sad, and calm you down when anxious, then you're no longer living... you're simply just reacting to chemical stimuli.

Emotions are what make us human. Accept them for what they are. Appreciate the times in life when you feel that the weight of the world is on your shoulders. There will be a reprieve, and when it happens, you'll be able to enjoy the lull in the storm all the more because you'll know how much of a suck-fest life can be at times.


If you have a friend going through a rough patch, talk to him/her. It seems that people's reliance on mental health practitioners could be somewhat lessened if people felt comfortable expressing their true feelings to a good friend who can offer at the very least empathy if not sympathy. It's a sad state of things when in today's world it seems that there's more of a dearth of good, reliable confidants than there is a paucity of mood-altering pills.

Cheers.