Cake.

After a week of gustatory asceticism, I managed to squeeze into my Britney Spears stripper costume for a Halloween party on Friday. I could not have anticipated greater success! Although I looked more like Britney post-pregnancy-in-need-of-a trainer, that still isn't all that bad. People were able to recognize that I WAS Britney (and not simply a girl dressed as a stripper), referred to me AS Britney, and requested to take pictures with me... because of my new-found celebrity status. It was a nice rush... false and fleeting idolatry though it was, still exciting!

This was possibly the first tension-free weekend I've had in a very long time... and I must say, I enjoyed it thoroughly. Drama seems to be dissipating in my life, probably because I'm really doing my best to just avoid it at this point. The less complicated things are, the better. I also noticed that I've stopped caring about minor things so much. I still get annoyed by stupidity, ignorance, and inconsideration, but I think perpetual cynicism and faith in human failure has begun to pay off. The less you expect from people, the more you are surprised when someone does something nice/sweet/fun/etc. for you. I'd rather be surprised by a kind gesture, even if it technically should be second nature, than depressed/saddened by it's absence if not made.

I'm really beginning to let go of so much anger that was previously weighing me down. It's quite a liberating feeling... Apathy... when you know that someone could cease to exist and it wouldn't bother you in the least, nor would it bother you if he/she were to win the lottery tomorrow... it simply doesn't affect you in any sense of how you live your life or how you feel about yourself. I'm starting to appreciate middle ground... Perhaps, I shall always be a fence-sitter... After all, when presented with either extreme of caring too much about something one way or another, it seems that a seat atop a fencepost might be the most comfortable location available.

I'm going to do the unthinkable... I'm going to attempt to resolve my hatred with all the people in this world I despise... It's not that long a list... 4 people at most, but really, for me, this is a HUGE step. And how do I plan to eradicate this hatred from my life??? With... *drum roll*... APATHY! I simply don't care to care.

I'm going to be selfish for a while... Take care of myself and look out for Number 1. I think by doing this, I'll actually make things a lot easier for the other people in my life as well.

Overall, good things to report. I'm happy being in limbo. I'm involved with a guy, but we're not dating... and certainly not committed monogamously to each other, but hell, fuck labels. I'm doing well with work, even though it isn't my ideal job, it more than pays the bills and isn't too much of a strain. Halloween is coming up and the Fall has just been lovely for my first October spent in Jersey in over four years. I'm happy. I'm physically fitter than I was before, my sex life has vastly improved, and my self-esteem is getting to be top form again. I'm writing, playing guitar, singing, drawing... being creative again. Life is good right now... Nothing incredibly important is going on... I'm just enjoying the time I get to spend with myself. It's a great feeling after so long having been afraid to be alone with myself to realize that I do enjoy my own company.

I'll close with these words, because I feel them poignant to me at this juncture in time.
"Hold on to the ones you know will love you.
Hide out from the ones you know will love you too."
- Tegan and Sara
*Shameless Plug*
Check out their new album, The Con in stores now.
I've been listening to it incessantly for a week... it's AMAZING!



Cheers!