Where does the good go?

This might not be the most opportune time to write an entry, as each word I type, I painstakingly labor over to get the spelling correct... A few too many martinis to have comfortably passed a breathalizer tonight... BUT I'm home, safe and sound with my two dogs juxtaposed at either side of my legs. This will probably be one of my less eloquent reads, so take this for what it's worth.

It's hard to figure out the proper wording to really characterize my current state of mind. A 'depression exacerbated by alcohol' might be what friends would say to me, and I would have to agree... grudgingly of course, but come on... It's almost 3AM and I'm writing in a blog... yeah... 'depression exacerbated by alcohol' it is!

I was talking to a friend tonight about life situations... primarily dealing with my own and others in their early 20s. The term 'treading water' was what I used to explain how I feel about where I am right now. I'm constantly trying to improve upon myself... which isn't ALL that hard considering there is MUCH to be changed... but 'treading water'... that's what I've been doing for a while now. Trying to keep my head above the waves before choking and drowning. I don't mind the rat-race... Making a living doing a job that I don't necessarily love, but paying bills, managing finances... avoiding parental condemnation... becoming an adult, or whatever you'd like to call it... That I don't mind. I have that in order... Just like getting good grades or being too verbose to compose anything short of a run-on sentence, that stuff comes second nature to me.

Here's where I'm floundering... My personal life... friendships... relationships... Something is off-kilter in this department. There's pretty much two people right now in my life that are absolutely confounding to me. (*OH FUCK... SHE'S GETTING PERSONAL... TAKE NOTES IF YOU WANT AMMUNITION TO USE AGAINST HER IN THE FUTURE!*) One, I fucked over. The other, fucked me over. Karma? Maybe... I'm siding more with a 'cruel cruel world' slant on things, but that's probably because I'm in a shitty mood. Don't get me wrong... I do have some great friends that I absolutely adore. But there are two thorns in my side right now that I would love nothing more than to extricate and heal as soon as possible.

OKAY... Number one.... Number one is probably going to read this entry at some point.... and probably mock me later on... (If I were him/her, I'd do the same, so I can't apply fault.) Number one... Number one I fucked over royally... I was cruel, uncaring, and inconsiderate in a situation that became very personal to the both of us. Lots of mindfucking, lies, trickery... all sorts of deception had gone on in that circumstance... On my end primarily. I feel bad about all of it... I truly regret being an asshole to this person. What kills me most about this problem is that I used to have a relatively decent friendship with this person before I fucked it up by being a jackass. Part of me really misses that... the other part just wishes the passive aggresivity would stop. Either way... I just want the past to stay dead and buried and for both of us to just pick up and if not like each other, then just acknowledge the elephant in the room when we're together and perhaps make light of it... I'm always up for levity. I'm not sure what else I can do to atone for my sins with this person... I've toned my act down CONSIDERABLY since the summer... even though I'm a bit tipsy now, I'm no way NEAR the belligerent mess I was a few months ago... And I'm not a vindictive bitch anymore either. I just want things to be copacetic... I'm too old for drama... and I've got more important shit to deal with now anyway, so if this ONE part of my life (which is intrinsically tied to my group involvement) was resolved, I think life could be much sunnier for us both... That's my hope... I'm too tired to keep caring and too lazy to find new friends, so either we keep up the same old song and dance, or perhaps move on and both grow from the experience... A girl can dream, I suppose.

AND NOW, Number Two. Number Two is the where karma beat the shit out of me for the stunts I pulled with Number One. Number Two did all the shit I did to Number One, but unlike me, Number Two is much less vocal about what he/she is feeling/intending to do. Number Two is the one that really pisses me off. I'm not exactly sure where I went wrong with Number Two (and I'm sure writing a public blog entry isn't going to at all ameliorate our differences), but I've gotta know... What the fuck happened??? I sincerely cared about this person and bent over backwards to show him/her exactly what I felt. BUT, I was told that one small facet of my personality was enough to put doubt in this person's mind about the strength of my character, and therefore, was unworthy of any further attention/time. Yet, we remained chatty, on some occasions more than others, but I get the distinct feeling that any time I emote with this person, I'm simply a bother. It's like he/she cannot at all understand where I'm coming from or why I even bother to feel the way I do. Perhaps I care too much... This is why I get hurt by friends so easily... If that's the case... cool. Just tell me I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. BUT, being ambivalent and tight-lipped to the point of rudeness??? That's what drives me nuts and makes me more of an annoyance than anything else. Communication is what makes the world go round... If he/she can't talk to me (or anyone else about personal things), then that problem isn't just going to disappear... It isn't something exclusive to just our friendship... It'll be a problem later on and ultimately stymie any chance he/she has at happiness with other people.
Some people don't put much weight on emotions... But they do it for a reason. Is it easier to be predominantly even-tempered and apathetic? Yeah, sure... But you're missing out on so much that life has to offer. Conflict and resolution make life interesting and worthwhile. Without them, what's the fucking point of getting up in the morning? I've had the conflict part with Number Two... I'm looking for the resolution... which I'd like to be amicable and on both of our terms, instead of unilaterally decided (not by me) like it has been thus far... That's my hope for Number Two.

And now I've run out of steam. It's really fucking late, I'm losing my buzz... AND I've gotta go to Church in the morning... Not because I'm religious, but because I enjoy the ritualistic nature of it and the brief moments of serenity I find amidst the parishioners during mass that allow me to further self-contemplation and realize how much I direly need to address in my life if I ever want to truly become the person I aspire to be.... AND I'M RAMBLING! If anyone can make a 30+ word sentence, it's me! Brevity, (most unfortunately) hasn't ever really been my thing. So... Take it easy out there and learn from my impulsivity... Don't write a blog after a shitty night, chased with some vodka.

Cheers.