Political Line-Stepping.

As opinionated and verbose as I can be, I've never been one to fervently argue politics. I feel it is an exercise in futility and a waste of energy for me. Not that I don't care about the structure of our government or anything like that... I just have my own beliefs... I'll listen to what other people have to say, but I know what I believe and don't feel the need to argue it with other people, mostly because others annoy me with either liberal mumbo-jumbo or religious-right nonsense... My stance on this issue as a matter of topical conversation can be best surmised by a Rhett Butler quote from Gone with the Wind: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."


I have my own political beliefs, which fall along a moderate stance... I'm libertarian if I'm anything, but when it comes to major party candidates, I prefer the one that is least extreme in either left or right direction. Keeping with the last entry, I'm a perpetual fence-sitter. I like the middle...

So, having said that, you'll understand my complete frustration and contempt for political activists picketing outside of my post office today. I had a few letters to drop off for my grandmother, so on my break from work, I took a drive out to the local post office... Pretty routine activity. I had a bad case of the Mooooooondays this morning, so I set my brain to autopilot and went through the necessary motions to hop in my car, drive to the post office, place my letters in the 'out of town' slot and go back to my ordinary schedule. However, my perfunctorily composed set of actions was impeded by SOME ASSHOLE who felt the need to get my attention, after my obvious scowl and power-walking strides alerted him to the 'this one doesn't give a fuck about the world... she's probably a republican....' attitude. (Although not a Republican, I do drive a SUV, WILL ALWAYS DRIVE A SUV, could care less about miles/gallon, OPEC, gas prices, and the environment in general... Nature is cool... But looking cool in my ride is much more important to me. I'm also a conspicuous consumer and one of the reasons why credit card companies are lucratively in operation... Typical rich Jersey bitch, and proud of it!)

Anyway, this tree-hugging, Birkenstock wearing, pot-smoking, hemp-clad, bitch, whine, and moaner sized me up right quick. I'm the type of gal an upper-middle class self-loathing poli-sci major like this guy would love to convert into a like-minded automaton. So, this intrusive shit decided to fuck with my universe today... and for that, I don't feel bad for pulling the bitch card on his ass.

He saw me pull up in my hot little Hyundai Tucson... Lady H, as I like to call her. I could see the glint in his eyes when he realized that I was a typical Jersey bitch... and probably a rich one to boot! He knew I wasn't going to enjoy what he had to say... but the prospect of a possible convert was more than enough to give him a raging pontificating liberal boner for me.

I hurriedly tried to side-step this moron on my way into the post office... That was an unsuccessful venture. This asshole blockaded me using his body and a giant poster to stymie my progress toward attaining my cursory goal.

He greeted me with possibly the most irksome address a young woman of 22 could receive...
"Ma'am... "Ma'am..."

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU JUST MADE IT ONTO MY SHITLIST! I'm 22... If I'm anything, I'm a 'miss'... and to you, you shiftless dolt, I'm NOTHING!

I rolled my eyes and said "Excuse me..." and made an attempt to circumnavigate my impediment... Thwarted AGAIN!

"Ma'am... I'd like you to seriously think about your life... and the current state of this country. I'd like you to join me with Nancy Pelosi in signing a petition to impeach Dick Cheney."

... Upon hearing these words, my world came to a screeching halt, and my brain begged to escape through my ears... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Impeach the Vice President? Join Nancy Pelosi? First off, I strongly doubt that Nancy Pelosi sanctioned this group's outcry to the masses. Second off, I don't give a fuck about impeaching a VICE president. Can you impeach a VICE president? Do people actually care enough to go through with that process? I'm not sure... and I don't care to know the answer to that question because IT IS NOT IMPORTANT BECAUSE IT WILL NOT HAPPEN.

Knowing the little I do know about politics, I knew enough that Nancy Pelosi is the Speaker of the House and a democrat from California. Also, from my 5th grade Social Studies class, I know that the Speaker of the House is the next in line after the Vice President to the Presidency. So in the few seconds I actually took to process what this motherfucker was saying to me, I composed an assassination scenario, where these leftists decided to impeach Cheney, off Bush, and ipso facto, Pelosi becomes president. Honestly, I'm not pleased with the current president or his cabinet... but using a furtive conspiracy masked as a simple 'impeachment of the Vice President... BECAUSE HE SUCKS' campaign might work with the public at large, but it wasn't convincing enough for me to even consider this as a viable option for a coup dé tat ... WAIT until the next election... I'm really not sure how someone could even attach himself to such a ridiculously ludicrous cause... GET A DIFFERENT HOBBY!... One that doesn't involve fucking with my time off from work.

So back to this guy. I look him dead in the eye... and I say, "Sorry, dude, I don't fucking care." I wanted to put an end to his banter before it got any further, and I figured being frank with him would allow me to avoid continued annoyance... WRONG AGAIN!

"Are you a heartless, selfish, uncaring woman who only perpetuates the American stereotype of self-serving gluttony?"

... WHAT THE FUCK!? WHO SAYS THIS TO A COMPLETE STRANGER??? The answer is, 'YES, I AM.' BUT, I don't care who you are, you cannot talk about me like that... Self-depricating honesty inherently implies that ONLY the 'SELF' may make such defamous commentary... Time for this asshole to BACK THE FUCK OFF.

"Listen, buddy... I don't give a shit about your cause, or you for that matter. Get out of my way so I can mail my letters, or be prepared to spend a day in jail and have charges of character defamation leveled at you if you have ANYTHING else to say to me."

He got quiet for a second... I thought I had him... He changed his tactic... Time for the sweet-talk approach.

"How about you read over this petition... A smart, educated woman like yourself would definitely want to sign it after you've understood what our mission is."

I cannot believe this... I JUST WANT TO MAIL MY DAMN LETTERS! So, being backhandedly rude to this fellow wasn't going to work... I had to make my point clear... VERY clear.

If God blessed me with one thing, it's a hell of a pair of lungs... and believe you me, I know how to WAIL when I want to be heard.

In order to conserve time and get back to work punctually, I by-passed all other tepid responses and went right for screaming at the loudest decibil I could muster... "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY, ASSHOLE!"

Now that I had not only this guy's attention, but the attention of everyone in the parking lot and the deli across the street, this fine young gentleman kindly let me pass him, not saying another word.

In my pursuit of jurisprudence, on the most prosaic level, I feel that justice was truly served today. One woman upon my entrance into the post office clapped for me. She clearly commiserated with my ordeal as she had just previously been verbally molested by this idiot.
I fought the good fight and prevailed... So, for those of you who appreciate keeping personal political beliefs personal, share in this small victory with me.



Cheers!