Eureeka!

The only attractive men in this country are from the mid-west. Corn-fed, provincial chivalry is not dead, just hiding... it's just a few hundred miles equidistant from either shoreline. The only group of men who could possibly be more chauvinistic, self-centered, and vapid than East coast boys are those from the West coast. My 6'5 farm-raised, mild-mannered, basketball-playing dreamboat exists, but it will take a plane ticket for me to find him. At least I know where to start looking, which is a giant step in the right direction. :-)

Progress?

I quit smoking... It's been a full 8 days now without ANY cigarettes. This is a new exercise in will power for me... I'm doing this cold-turkey without the aid of any patches or gum. My nail biting has increased dramatically, but hopefully, as time draws on, my cravings will subside.

So, that's one addiction down. I believe I have about 2 or 3 more to go before I'm entirely addiction-free. Sadly, smoking is the easiest bad habit of mine to quit.

The battle for self-improvement rages on...

How's This for Brazen?

I'm mulling over the idea of actually sending this essay out with my application to business school. The prompt was "Describe an ethical situation you faced and how you resolved it."

This is pretty ballsy to send to an admissions board. Let me know your thoughts... (Does anyone read this blog, just out of curiosity?? REPLY if you do!)

While perusing the topics listed as options for this essay, the first that struck my fancy was the ethical dilemma question. I envisioned all sorts of scenarios where I could paint a florid picture of how I was confronted with two evils and chose the lesser one. I could impress you with how I maintained my calm under dire circumstances, and single-handedly saved the day, while maintaining the integrity of all parties concerned, leaving no side wounded. However, if I had done that, I surely would have been bending, if not exaggerating the truth entirely, because honestly, no ethical dilemma I have tackled in my 22 years of existence has been that noteworthy. Faced with the decision to either distort or manipulate factual events to grab your attention, or bore you with the actual goings-on of past decisions, I’ve decided to write about the conundrum of whether or not to embellish this essay.

When confronted with an ethical dilemma, there is always a choice between two or more moral imperatives, which in most cases are diametrically opposed. In this case, my two choices were clear: Either impress you with my aptitude for composing fiction or to bore you with my ability to write fact. The former would garner your admiration and respect for my tact in a difficult, multifaceted situation. The latter would lull you in and out of consciousness, forcing you to take extra sips of your coffee just to struggle through the last few words printed on my second and final page. The consequence for the first option would undoubtedly lead to your approval of my credentials, experience, and leadership skills, which would lend to your acceptance of me as a student into the business program. The second option probably would have caused you to overlook my essay entirely, simply for the fact that it had nothing to offer in terms of speaking to my personality, moral fiber, or credibility as a professional in the business world.

Neither of these choices really appealed to me as lying has never been my forte, and ‘dull’ has never been used in a sentence describing my character. Therefore, I chose the third, and probably least traveled of paths. The way in which I’m handling this problem of creating an essay to assure you of my intellect, proficiency, and competence as a business professional speaks more to who I am as a person than any falsely elaborate and contrived scenario that I could concoct, or some dreary, lackluster run-of-the-mill recount of only the mild ethical transgressions I have seen others make, and of which I have played no part.

The way I handle any sort of problem, especially when ethical in nature, is to remind myself of who I am, and what I stand for as a human being. I do not want to be associated with vice, and choose virtue as often as possible when given the chance. However, especially concerning ethics, where rarely anything is completely black and white, it sometimes works in your favor to think outside of the box and choose a creative option rather than ruling with an iron fist of what is just/convergent with protocol.

In choosing this format for my writing, I have remained true to my own identity, while accomplishing the intended purpose of this essay: to display to you how I handle an ethical problem. This option, like any moral dilemma, inherently entails risk. The outcome of my choice is yet to be determined. Will you admit me into the program upon reading my work accepting me for someone who knows that in life, just as in business, the safest bet never returns the highest yield, or will you immediately pull me from the applicant pool and toss my résumé into the trash?

My hope is that you will choose the former, for if anything, I have most certainly entertained you, proven to you my written skill, and also demonstrated that above all, I am not frightened nor intimidated by traveling uncharted territory. For one to truly be an innovator and to succeed in the business world, fearlessness and creativity are essential survival tools. Luckily for me, I have both on hand and readily available.

Perspective.

Earlier tonight, I got a message from my best friend from college. She told me that her ex-boyfriend's mother died today as a result of being hit by a car. I'm also friends with her ex, and cannot imagine what a horrifically painful ordeal it must be for him.

How often have I snapped at my own mother or other people I care about because you never think that fortune would rob you of those people so unexpectedly? Even worse, how many people have I said unimaginably hideous things to because I have this unshakable compulsion to empty the contents of my psyche onto someone who has hurt me? You never expect that even your worst enemy could disappear at any moment. To hate someone, there must have first been love felt for him/her. Maybe it's best to do your best to remember why you loved that person and not why you currently hate them. In sum, I'm guilty of taking people for granted.

I've been depressed lately, and I've been selfish and cold to people I care about. This terrible disaster has put things into perspective for me, and I cannot even come close to adequately expressing to those I love how much they mean to me.

I have a short fuse and I ALWAYS sweat the small stuff no matter how many times I tell myself not to give into that impulse. I'm confrontational with people because I feel that being any other way would be cowardice. Perhaps, it is more important to preserve relationships, than to just cut out the people you once cared about. I'm not sure. I'm still too awful a judge of character and too devoted a masochist to be able to tell if it is right to maintain friendships with people even after they've hurt you. Please comment if you have any insight into this. I could use some advice.

Either way, I think I've been too quick to bolt and run away from things when times get rough. I indulge my impulsive anger without weighing the consequences of my actions before I run my mouth. I often make my life harder than it has to be, and once I've made a mess of things, I prefer to leave than to clean it up. This is something I have to change. Life is too short to continue to burn bridges.

Political Line-Stepping.

As opinionated and verbose as I can be, I've never been one to fervently argue politics. I feel it is an exercise in futility and a waste of energy for me. Not that I don't care about the structure of our government or anything like that... I just have my own beliefs... I'll listen to what other people have to say, but I know what I believe and don't feel the need to argue it with other people, mostly because others annoy me with either liberal mumbo-jumbo or religious-right nonsense... My stance on this issue as a matter of topical conversation can be best surmised by a Rhett Butler quote from Gone with the Wind: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."


I have my own political beliefs, which fall along a moderate stance... I'm libertarian if I'm anything, but when it comes to major party candidates, I prefer the one that is least extreme in either left or right direction. Keeping with the last entry, I'm a perpetual fence-sitter. I like the middle...

So, having said that, you'll understand my complete frustration and contempt for political activists picketing outside of my post office today. I had a few letters to drop off for my grandmother, so on my break from work, I took a drive out to the local post office... Pretty routine activity. I had a bad case of the Mooooooondays this morning, so I set my brain to autopilot and went through the necessary motions to hop in my car, drive to the post office, place my letters in the 'out of town' slot and go back to my ordinary schedule. However, my perfunctorily composed set of actions was impeded by SOME ASSHOLE who felt the need to get my attention, after my obvious scowl and power-walking strides alerted him to the 'this one doesn't give a fuck about the world... she's probably a republican....' attitude. (Although not a Republican, I do drive a SUV, WILL ALWAYS DRIVE A SUV, could care less about miles/gallon, OPEC, gas prices, and the environment in general... Nature is cool... But looking cool in my ride is much more important to me. I'm also a conspicuous consumer and one of the reasons why credit card companies are lucratively in operation... Typical rich Jersey bitch, and proud of it!)

Anyway, this tree-hugging, Birkenstock wearing, pot-smoking, hemp-clad, bitch, whine, and moaner sized me up right quick. I'm the type of gal an upper-middle class self-loathing poli-sci major like this guy would love to convert into a like-minded automaton. So, this intrusive shit decided to fuck with my universe today... and for that, I don't feel bad for pulling the bitch card on his ass.

He saw me pull up in my hot little Hyundai Tucson... Lady H, as I like to call her. I could see the glint in his eyes when he realized that I was a typical Jersey bitch... and probably a rich one to boot! He knew I wasn't going to enjoy what he had to say... but the prospect of a possible convert was more than enough to give him a raging pontificating liberal boner for me.

I hurriedly tried to side-step this moron on my way into the post office... That was an unsuccessful venture. This asshole blockaded me using his body and a giant poster to stymie my progress toward attaining my cursory goal.

He greeted me with possibly the most irksome address a young woman of 22 could receive...
"Ma'am... "Ma'am..."

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU JUST MADE IT ONTO MY SHITLIST! I'm 22... If I'm anything, I'm a 'miss'... and to you, you shiftless dolt, I'm NOTHING!

I rolled my eyes and said "Excuse me..." and made an attempt to circumnavigate my impediment... Thwarted AGAIN!

"Ma'am... I'd like you to seriously think about your life... and the current state of this country. I'd like you to join me with Nancy Pelosi in signing a petition to impeach Dick Cheney."

... Upon hearing these words, my world came to a screeching halt, and my brain begged to escape through my ears... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Impeach the Vice President? Join Nancy Pelosi? First off, I strongly doubt that Nancy Pelosi sanctioned this group's outcry to the masses. Second off, I don't give a fuck about impeaching a VICE president. Can you impeach a VICE president? Do people actually care enough to go through with that process? I'm not sure... and I don't care to know the answer to that question because IT IS NOT IMPORTANT BECAUSE IT WILL NOT HAPPEN.

Knowing the little I do know about politics, I knew enough that Nancy Pelosi is the Speaker of the House and a democrat from California. Also, from my 5th grade Social Studies class, I know that the Speaker of the House is the next in line after the Vice President to the Presidency. So in the few seconds I actually took to process what this motherfucker was saying to me, I composed an assassination scenario, where these leftists decided to impeach Cheney, off Bush, and ipso facto, Pelosi becomes president. Honestly, I'm not pleased with the current president or his cabinet... but using a furtive conspiracy masked as a simple 'impeachment of the Vice President... BECAUSE HE SUCKS' campaign might work with the public at large, but it wasn't convincing enough for me to even consider this as a viable option for a coup dé tat ... WAIT until the next election... I'm really not sure how someone could even attach himself to such a ridiculously ludicrous cause... GET A DIFFERENT HOBBY!... One that doesn't involve fucking with my time off from work.

So back to this guy. I look him dead in the eye... and I say, "Sorry, dude, I don't fucking care." I wanted to put an end to his banter before it got any further, and I figured being frank with him would allow me to avoid continued annoyance... WRONG AGAIN!

"Are you a heartless, selfish, uncaring woman who only perpetuates the American stereotype of self-serving gluttony?"

... WHAT THE FUCK!? WHO SAYS THIS TO A COMPLETE STRANGER??? The answer is, 'YES, I AM.' BUT, I don't care who you are, you cannot talk about me like that... Self-depricating honesty inherently implies that ONLY the 'SELF' may make such defamous commentary... Time for this asshole to BACK THE FUCK OFF.

"Listen, buddy... I don't give a shit about your cause, or you for that matter. Get out of my way so I can mail my letters, or be prepared to spend a day in jail and have charges of character defamation leveled at you if you have ANYTHING else to say to me."

He got quiet for a second... I thought I had him... He changed his tactic... Time for the sweet-talk approach.

"How about you read over this petition... A smart, educated woman like yourself would definitely want to sign it after you've understood what our mission is."

I cannot believe this... I JUST WANT TO MAIL MY DAMN LETTERS! So, being backhandedly rude to this fellow wasn't going to work... I had to make my point clear... VERY clear.

If God blessed me with one thing, it's a hell of a pair of lungs... and believe you me, I know how to WAIL when I want to be heard.

In order to conserve time and get back to work punctually, I by-passed all other tepid responses and went right for screaming at the loudest decibil I could muster... "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY, ASSHOLE!"

Now that I had not only this guy's attention, but the attention of everyone in the parking lot and the deli across the street, this fine young gentleman kindly let me pass him, not saying another word.

In my pursuit of jurisprudence, on the most prosaic level, I feel that justice was truly served today. One woman upon my entrance into the post office clapped for me. She clearly commiserated with my ordeal as she had just previously been verbally molested by this idiot.
I fought the good fight and prevailed... So, for those of you who appreciate keeping personal political beliefs personal, share in this small victory with me.



Cheers!

The term 'musician' is relative...

So, I decided to record a cover of this Tegan and Sara song (Call It Off) that I like... When the idea came into my head, I figured it wouldn't take me very long to accomplish this task. I was very wrong. After about 4 hours of playing around on Audacity, this is my shitty song.

Had I known I was going to make such a tremendous project out of this, I would have made the raw recording better... recorded vox and guitar separate... perhaps not fucked up on a few chords... and kept a steady tempo throughout the song but hey, this is my first foray into the actual recording spectrum of music... So far, my only real musical involvement has been sleeping with musicians (I'm a sucker for any guy on stage holding an instrument), so this is something new for me... and slightly more respectable.

Too bad girls with guitars don't get half as much action as their male counterparts... Grrr.

Enjoy... Let me know how much I suck. :-)

Cake.

After a week of gustatory asceticism, I managed to squeeze into my Britney Spears stripper costume for a Halloween party on Friday. I could not have anticipated greater success! Although I looked more like Britney post-pregnancy-in-need-of-a trainer, that still isn't all that bad. People were able to recognize that I WAS Britney (and not simply a girl dressed as a stripper), referred to me AS Britney, and requested to take pictures with me... because of my new-found celebrity status. It was a nice rush... false and fleeting idolatry though it was, still exciting!

This was possibly the first tension-free weekend I've had in a very long time... and I must say, I enjoyed it thoroughly. Drama seems to be dissipating in my life, probably because I'm really doing my best to just avoid it at this point. The less complicated things are, the better. I also noticed that I've stopped caring about minor things so much. I still get annoyed by stupidity, ignorance, and inconsideration, but I think perpetual cynicism and faith in human failure has begun to pay off. The less you expect from people, the more you are surprised when someone does something nice/sweet/fun/etc. for you. I'd rather be surprised by a kind gesture, even if it technically should be second nature, than depressed/saddened by it's absence if not made.

I'm really beginning to let go of so much anger that was previously weighing me down. It's quite a liberating feeling... Apathy... when you know that someone could cease to exist and it wouldn't bother you in the least, nor would it bother you if he/she were to win the lottery tomorrow... it simply doesn't affect you in any sense of how you live your life or how you feel about yourself. I'm starting to appreciate middle ground... Perhaps, I shall always be a fence-sitter... After all, when presented with either extreme of caring too much about something one way or another, it seems that a seat atop a fencepost might be the most comfortable location available.

I'm going to do the unthinkable... I'm going to attempt to resolve my hatred with all the people in this world I despise... It's not that long a list... 4 people at most, but really, for me, this is a HUGE step. And how do I plan to eradicate this hatred from my life??? With... *drum roll*... APATHY! I simply don't care to care.

I'm going to be selfish for a while... Take care of myself and look out for Number 1. I think by doing this, I'll actually make things a lot easier for the other people in my life as well.

Overall, good things to report. I'm happy being in limbo. I'm involved with a guy, but we're not dating... and certainly not committed monogamously to each other, but hell, fuck labels. I'm doing well with work, even though it isn't my ideal job, it more than pays the bills and isn't too much of a strain. Halloween is coming up and the Fall has just been lovely for my first October spent in Jersey in over four years. I'm happy. I'm physically fitter than I was before, my sex life has vastly improved, and my self-esteem is getting to be top form again. I'm writing, playing guitar, singing, drawing... being creative again. Life is good right now... Nothing incredibly important is going on... I'm just enjoying the time I get to spend with myself. It's a great feeling after so long having been afraid to be alone with myself to realize that I do enjoy my own company.

I'll close with these words, because I feel them poignant to me at this juncture in time.
"Hold on to the ones you know will love you.
Hide out from the ones you know will love you too."
- Tegan and Sara
*Shameless Plug*
Check out their new album, The Con in stores now.
I've been listening to it incessantly for a week... it's AMAZING!



Cheers!